What to Do When Your Husband Wants a Divorce

I have a blog in which I share how, with a bit of hard work and good luck, I was able to save my marriage and thwart my husband's attempts at a divorce. My husband was dead set on splitting up and was just not interested in anything I had to say regarding preserving our marriage. This story seems to strike a cord with women, because I so often get comments and emails from wives who tell me that they found me because they desperately want to know how to respond to their husband's request for a divorce. They can't concentrate on legal issues or worry about getting an attorney, because they don't want this divorce, and more than anything else, they want to save their marriage and put a stop to this whole downward spiral.

I can completely identify, as I was in this same place a few years ago. I tried every trick in the book to get my husband to change his mind about the divorce. I tired to call his bluff. I tried to play hard ball. I tried to shower him with attention and affection - and none of it worked, but here's what finally did.

Why What You're Doing Now To Change His Mind About The Divorce Probably Isn't Working: Husband's hate to feel that they are being manipulated. If you are at a point where your husband wants a divorce, then this was probably not a split second decision that happened over night. There have probably been a lot of issues that were brushed over, hurts that were never healed, promises that were not kept, and attempts of reconciliation that have repeatedly failed. You husband likely feels that your marriage is at the point of no return and there's nothing that can be done to change or rescue things.

So, when you come in all full of promises and plans as to why this time is going to really be different, or if you argue and try to convince your husband why he is wrong, he's only going to dig in his heels, determined and convinced that there's no good reason to change his mind. In not so many words, you're communicating to him that he's dead wrong, being selfish, and causing a great deal of problems and pain for all involved. So, he's on the offensive, and as a defense mechanism, he's tuning you out.

This is obviously a major problem. You'll never be able to get him on board with saving the marriage if he won't listen to you or give you the time of day. But, please resist the urge to pull out all of the stops and act desperate or panicked. Don't follow him around, beg him, engage him, threaten him, or participate in any behaviors that are just going to confirm to him that negative things happen every time you are around. You want him to think positive thoughts when he thinks of and interacts with you. So, here's how to reverse this trend.

Validate Your Husband And Jump On His Side: As long as the two of you are on opposing sides, your husband is going to do everything possible to emerge the winner. No one likes to lose. So, you have to set this up where no one is going to be the loser. You have to "side" with your husband and agree with him - (or at least make him think you are). Of course, you know your husband best and you should use your own words, but it goes something like this.

The next time you interact with your husband, tell him that you have been thinking about your situation and you now agree with him. Yes, the marriage is in a grave place. Tell him that this hurts you deeply because he remains the most important person in your life. Assure him that you are finished participating in negative interactions and want to concentrate on improving your interactions, no matter where the relationship is going. Tell him that you're no longer going to engage him or try to change his mind.

Your husband will not believe this, probably. He's going to think this is another ploy on your part, but when you make good on it, over and over again, he's going to be disarmed and see that you're telling the truth. Then, the tension will diminish like a popped balloon and he'll have no reason to avoid you anymore - and this is when things will start to get easier.

Don't Rush Things. Let Him Be The One To Call The Divorce Off: Now, if you pull this off right, you'll usually find yourself in a little better position. The tension will start to fade and you'll find that your husband is a little more receptive to you because he no longer sees you as a threat. But, even if you are experiencing little victories, you must move slowly. You can never allow your husband to suspect that you are really trying to change his mind and the outcome. You want to keep busy, see friends, and do the things that put a smile on your face.

What you're doing is showing your husband that you are still the exciting, busy, vibrant, woman he first fell in love with. Take the time to remember who this woman really is. I'd bet that she's not clingy, threatening, or the walking wounded. She's likely happy, upbeat, open hearted, and easy to be around. You want him to want more of her. So she (you) should not be the one to initiate anything with him. Let him be the aggressor, because this puts you back on equal ground. The best case scenario is that you show him the woman he fell in love with, he wants more of her, and you continue to move slowly.

In the end, what you're doing is showing, (not telling him - because he is not going to believe you anyway) that things really can and have changed. Never hurt your progress by asking for reassurance, commitments, or a definition of your relationship too soon. If you continue to move slowly, you'll get these things eventually, but you don't want to scared him off and waste all of your hard work by pushing too hard.

When my husband wanted a divorce, I made many of the mistakes discussed in this article. I stalked, begged, threatened, tried to overcompensate, and acted very badly. These things back fired. Thankfully, I finally realized I was doing more harm than good and was able to change course and save the marriage. You can read my very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Leslie_Cane

Divorce Attorney - Benefits of Hiring

A marriage can be a wonderful and beautiful thing. It is can be very hard to find someone that you would like to spend your life with, so when you do, you are probably very eager to enter a marriage and begin your life with your new spouse. However, marriage can also be very difficult. Sometimes unforeseen events in life can permanently alter a marriage and things can begin to go wrong.

If things have begun to go wrong in your marriage, and you are thinking of ending the relationship, you will probably want to hire a divorce attorney. Ending a marriage can be a very difficult and drawn out process, so if you are not familiar with all that is involved in a settlement, it is a good idea to have a professional on your side that will guide you through. You and your spouse will both likely be fighting to come out ahead in the settlement, so you will probably want to hire a divorce attorney that you can count on and that has a successful history in these settlements.

It can be very beneficial for you to hire a divorce attorney as soon as you have finalized your choice to end your marriage. You might even want to consult with someone before reaching your final decision, just to familiarize yourself with the process. Talking with someone that can help you becoming acquainted with the process of ending a marriage can go a long ways in making you feel more comfortable with the situation. This can also help relieve some of the stress and anxiety that you may be feeling over the situation.

The processes that your divorce attorney will likely be helping you through can include dividing the assets that you and your spouse have acquired during your marriage, and also in the child custody and support cases if you and your spouse have children. All of these processes can become quite intense, especially if both you and your spouse are fighting tooth and nail for everything. The situation can become particularly complicated when there are children involved because emotions tend to run very high during the custody hearings and both parents usually want to be awarded custody of the children. The benefit of having a professional on your side is that they will have experience in all of these situations and will be able to help you successfully navigate through them and also to hopefully come out ahead in the end.

The reasons why couples decide to call it quits on their marriages are unique and varied, but no matter what your reasoning is, making the decision to end your marriage can be very difficult. If you do decide to end things however, it is usually better to hire a professional from the beginning to make sure that you are being properly represented in the hearings and that you come out ahead at the end of the settlement. Also, if you do decide to hire a professional to guide you through the settlement, make sure to do your homework on all of your options before deciding who to hire.

For more information on the divorce process or for a Corona Family Law Attorney or to schedule a consultation with a Child Custody Lawyer visit the offices of Diefer Law Group

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Justin_DiMateo

Stop Divorce Advice - Three Common Misconceptions You Simply Must Not Believe

Are you looking for a way to stop divorce? There's a lot of advice out there that can help you. Unfortunately, there are also a few misconceptions that can completely sidetrack your efforts. Let's look at three commonly-espoused myths that you simply must ignore if you want to stop your divorce.

MYTH: You Need To Do Therapy As A Couple

There are a lot of people who will tell you that joint therapy is a great way to save a marriage. They'll go so far as to tell you that you must go if you want to stop divorce. Advice like this is completely misguided, though. Did you know that one expert actually reports that couples' therapy only saves marriages about 20% of the time! Eight out of every ten couples get divorced. This is not something you need to do!

MYTH: There's a Point Of No Return

There are some people who will say that troubled marriages can reach a point of no return. They'll argue that it's impossible to save a marriage after that invisible "tipping point". It simply isn't true. There are many cases of people who were able to stop a divorce even after initiating the process. There is no point of no return. Until the divorce is finalized, it is possible to save your marriage.

MYTH: You Can't Do It Alone

Stop divorce advice givers are frequently guilty of assuming that both parties in a marriage need to be active in order to save it. Of all divorce myths, this is probably the most common. It also isn't true. It is possible to rescue a seemingly doomed marriage even when only one spouse is interested in making a change. There are proven systems out there that explain exactly what one person can do to save a marriage and why these strategies work. The idea that "it takes two to tango" has some prima facie appeal, but research and experience prove that one motivated spouse can make the difference.

Don't believe these common misconceptions. Your relationship is not doomed. Even if you're the only one interested in making things work, you can save your marriage. By following a smart, professional and proven plan designed to effectively save a marriage, you can make your relationship much stronger and better than it has ever been! Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Syd_McKeever

Why Pay a Lawyer? Get a Cheap Divorce

By Charlotte Hoaks

How hard is it to get a Do-It-Yourself Divorce? Of course, it will vary, from state to state but after assisting my daughter going through the process, I can say first hand, it was relatively easy. At least that's what we have found here in Texas.

After an internet research, we found books with actual legal forms available for approximately twenty-five dollars. The "How-To" book was state specific. What did the process involve? The divorce required little more than a computer, a bit of skill using MS Word and time to read and follow instructions to complete the forms?

The first document was the "initial filing" known as a "Petition". Once completed, you, the Petitioner, take the document to the County Clerk's office where it is assigned a number then registered as temporary orders establishing custody, support, etc. This filing cost approximately $250 in Texas. The clerk will provide a list of any additional actions required by the judge, county or state such as parenting classes.

The next step is notifying the soon to be EX now identified as the Respondent. The process can be accomplished by a peace officer serving the papers (costing approximately $150) or the Petitioner hand delivering the papers and the Respondent signing a Waiver in front of a notary stating they have been notified. A word of caution, those signing the Waiver should read and understand what they are about to sign. The Waiver is then filed at the County Clerk's office by the Petitioner. At that point a 60 day waiting period is required in Texas. That may vary from state to state.

If the Respondent has signed the Waiver their responsibility in the divorce process is complete. The additional documents will be completed by the Petitioner and after the Decree has been presented, signed by the judge, and filed, the Respondent will get a copy with the final orders from the court.

Completing the Decree is time consuming and involves several "Exhibits" in spite of even the most limited of assets. Some of the documents included are relating to child custody, child support, visitation, division of assets, debt responsibility, and taxes. The key is to read carefully. Visit each of the sample "Exhibits" and complete the ones that apply to your specific situation. The book we used provided captions for each of the required information fields and we stepped through the completion in a matter of about eight hours.

Once the Decree is completed and both parties have agreed to the content, the papers are filed at the County Clerk's office. If the Respondent has signed the Waiver their signature is not required to file the Decree. The Petitioner moves forward with little or no interaction with the Respondent. Again, take the Decree and all supporting documents or "Exhibits" required by the specific situation. Refer to any additional provisions stipulated by the court when the Petition was files. Make sure all appropriate actions have been taken.

Again, there may be a wait of several days before an actual court date is scheduled. In our county, my daughter had to show up at the county clerk's office to sign up for court at a predetermined time and wait her turn.

In my daughter's case, her soon to be EX was the one suggesting divorce. She agreed and basically kept the process rolling. The EX signed the Waiver and the rest was handled without any additional involvement from him. Child support guidelines for each state will differ but it is a percentage of a base salary. The judge will determine if the Respondent's financial obligation listed in the Decree is within the guidelines. With supporting financials, the judge accepted the amount entered in the case of my daughter's Decree.

The final hearing in front of the judge was brief, not more than twenty minutes. The judge gave my daughter a "cheat sheet" She read through the script inserting names as appropriate. The judge reviewed the Decree, asked a few questions and signed it.

That was it, a divorce for $250. The county clerk will notify the Ex at the address he gave on the waiver. My daughter is now ready to begin her new life as a free woman.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Charlotte_Hoaks

Divorce Forces Money Problems For Many

By Landon McGehee 

As the rate of divorce seems to rise, people seem to still be surprised when it happens to them. Financial, emotional, and personal lives are splintered, and torn to pieces. If you don't know someone who has been through a divorce, this article will help you learn about what to avoid and look for when a divorce is inevitable for your future.

The Stop at the Lawyers

When you split up a family you are also going to split up everything from the money, to everything in the house. Mental, emotional and financial strains are difficult. Most often times, people who are breaking up do not feel very giving towards the other person with all the belongings. The husband and wife going through the divorce often times focus on who is getting what, and what they don't want the other person to have in the end.

While looking at the things you have, the money you have, you must also look at the debts and the loans or the credit cards that are in your name. Don't focus just on what you have, but also on what you don't have when splitting everything up in the end of a marriage.

Finding answers, using mediation

Lawyers are going to be costly during a breakup. When possible, think about using a mediator, the process of mediation to put things behind you when going through a divorce. Both the husband and wife are going to have to make a few concessions in both assets and in debts, but the end result is going to be a much faster process. Mediation is most often times going to be less costly than two lawyer bills are going to be.

Avoid getting trapped and paying more than you should. When possible, if you have real estate you want to sell it off so you can get cash from the deals - that may be the best consolidation plan. When possible, and you have shared assets such as stocks as a joint account you may want to consider signing off on portions of the stocks in return for other portions of the stocks. This is going to prevent either of you from having to pay heavy fees and cash in taxes when you don't really have too. When too people are getting a divorce, sometimes the best thing you can possibly do is act like adults and use a third party to save money in many ways.

What financial matters you should think about

Besides the house, and the things you own physically you also have a few other topics you may want to remember to think about. These things include items such as your joint checking, joint savings, joint credit cards, and other valuables such as insurance policies and disability policies. While you may not want to believe it, some joint accounts hold both parties responsible even if divorced. If one husband or one wife were to rack up the credit cards, the other could be held responsible because it is a joint account and for the monies that are outstanding.

One last thing you should think about when breaking a couple up and heading for divorce. Alimony is often a factor when large sums of money are in question, or if one spouse was the bread winner and the other spouse wasn't working. In some areas of the country it is difficult to get alimony while it doesn't mean that it is impossible.

What is divorce going to mean for you

Changes are going to have to be made, which is going to mean rebuilding your finances, your home life, and your family. You may need a smaller house, or you may need to live in a different neighborhood. All the expenses of a house will become your own, and all the expenses of your children if you have any will also need to be addressed.

Now you can remove the confusion in your mind on the topic of best consolidation plan. Learn from our years of experience, visit http://www.everlife.com Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Landon_McGehee

Parenting Through Divorce and Beyond

By Charles Jamieson

Although there are a few exceptions, divorce often causes major disruptions to the family unit. Naturally, this instability can be frightening to everyone involved-especially to the children of divorcing parents. And, unfortunately, this instability can have long-term effects as well. Even though parents may think they are hiding their insecurities of what the future may hold, and their anger toward their spouse, they convey messages to their children they may not intend. Indeed, parents may not realize that their once commendable behavior, now battered by their irritability from lack of sleep, constant marital conflict, and anxiety about their future, is marked by impatience, inapproachability, or even emotional withdrawal from their children.

Research studies have suggested that providing as much parental harmony - even during and after the divorce is critical to the healthy development of our children's relationships not only in the near future, but far beyond it to adulthood. Indeed, the long-term consequences of parental discord affect children pervasively and consistently in a detrimental fashion, according the data provided by researchers Paul Amato and Alan Booth. They found that children from families with a high degree of discord before and after their divorces tended to have more difficulties in dating -- and less happiness, less interaction, and more conflict in marriage. Not surprisingly, the probability of divorce is higher among children whose parents experienced a high degree of disharmony in marriage and subsequently.

While divorce cannot always be avoided, bad conduct during and after divorce can be. Open, honest, civil communication with your ex-spouse, or soon to be ex-spouse, and your children, is best for every one. Here are some tips for parents who are currently in the midst of a divorce, or have already divorced:

DO:
Tell each child individually that he or she is not the cause of the divorce and will always be loved by both parents.
Be supportive and positive about the child's relationship with the other parent.
Always let the child know when he or she will see the absent parent.
Continue reassuring the children that they can still count on both parents
Deal directly with the other parent. (Don't use the children to make or change plans.)
Be careful when discussing your case with your attorney (or friends) on the phone. Children hear more than we think.
Behave reasonably and rationally so your children know you have made the decision to end your marriage in a careful and thoughtful way.
Establish a home for the children with a place for their belongings (each child should be given at least one drawer in the visiting parent's home for toys, artwork, pajamas, etc. with absolute privacy being guaranteed to the child with respect to this special drawer.)
Be prompt for pickup and drop-off.
Maintain regular telephone contact with the children.
Have children ready in time for visitation and be home, or at the visitation exchange on time to receive the children.

DON'T
Argue in front of the children.
Speak derogatorily about the other parent.
Cancel plans with the children.
Pump the children for information about the other parent.
Use the children to carry angry messages back and forth.
Use the children to deliver support payments or bills.
Ask children with whom they want to live.
Ask a child to keep a secret from the other parent
Appear sad when your child leaves to see the other parent.
Change residences more often than is absolutely necessary.
Believe everything the children say about the other parent.
Introduce your children to your new romantic interest until the children have adjusted to your separation and your new relationship is stable.
Bring your children to court or to your lawyer's office.
As loving parents we make an emotional pact with our spouse when our children are born, to pour our lives and all happiness into them - protecting them from hurt and suffering. Somehow, when our marriage disintegrates we forget our promise to each other. And, as the research suggests, psychological harm affects our children long into their adulthood. Unfortunately, this cycle of discord and broken promises can even continue into the next generation.

Charles D. Jamieson, Esquire, is the founding partner of The Law Firm of Charles D. Jamieson, P.A. in West Palm Beach, Florida. He has practiced family law for more than 25 years and has represented individuals or acted as a legal consultant in divorce and child abuse cases throughout Florida, as well as in more than 20 states during his career Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Charles_Jamieson

Fathers, Don't Wait Until Divorce to Get Involved With Your Children

By Mary Wollard

Recently, I heard a similar comment from two different fathers. One dad was talking about issues that have come up with his children since his divorce a few years ago; the other was talking about parenting issues with his pending divorce.

Both of these fathers saw divorce as an opportunity to spend more time with their children, not less. After all of my years working with families during and after divorce, this didn't surprise me one bit, though I'd never heard a father actually say it.

What these two fathers were talking about was quality time. Because even though the actual number of hours and minutes in the same house with the children was less than before separation, it meant much, much more.

After reflecting on the idea that separation and divorce could actually enhance a father's relationship with the children, I began to realize how many fathers feel unequipped to parent.

It's only natural; Moms tend to spend lots more time caring for the children when they are babies. In addition, Mom often stays home with the children, even if it's just maternity leave from her job, while Dad goes back to work after just a few days.

I think everybody just gets in the habit of Mom being the caretaker and Dad being more of an observer than a participant. The habit, then, is reinforced when Mom won't say she needs or wants help. When Dad does try to do some of the child-rearing, his initial attempts can be clumsy and unwelcome by Mom.

Consequently, many mothers complain about fathers who are totally uninterested in doing anything with the children. At the same time, fathers often feel like they are prevented from fully participating in their children's care because Mom does it all or doesn't like the way they do it.

Unfortunately, by the time the family faces divorce, fathers often end up with less parenting time based upon their lack of involvement with the children during the marriage.

It's no wonder that some fathers feel they are actually spending more time with their children after separation than they were before. The time they now have with the children is unhampered by Mom's tendency to do everything. Instead of feeling like they're in the way, dads can use their parenting time to become fully involved and present with their children.

Dads, don't wait to be asked! Get involved in your children's care now. Moms, if you see Dad trying to help, let him. While it might be tricky at first to work out the differences between your styles, the whole family will benefit.

Mary A. Wollard, JD, is an attorney, mediator, and arbitrator with over 20 years experience in solving the legal issues of divorce, parenting (custody), marital property and support. In addition to helping families through mediation and arbitration, Ms. Wollard provides parenting coordination and decision-making services to families when on-going conflict prevents them from fully implementing their parenting plan after divorce. Visit http://www.cofamilysolutions.com/downloads.htm for free downloadable worksheets you can use to organize your family's transition. Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Mary_Wollard