Getting a Separation or Divorce? Talk To Your Children

By Mary Wollard

So you and your spouse are separating or thinking about divorce. Have you told your children yet?

Parents do not separate or divorce on the spur of the moment. Weeks, months, or even years can go by while people move away from the relationship and toward separation and divorce. Many parents want to hide this whole process from their children until decisions have been made and plans firmed up. This is a mistake.

The fact is that children know when things are not right at home. While adults filter information, rationalize their actions and deny their feelings, children deal with the world around them much more directly. Separation and divorce is difficult for children of all ages, but will be much harder if the adults they rely on do not talk honestly with them.

Before one parent starts packing or moves out, tell the children what is going on, even if you don't have all the details worked out yet. Although you and your husband/wife might be hurt and angry with one another, give your children the courtesy of talking with them together. The children need to know that neither of you is "divorcing" them.

But if you don't know exactly what is going to happen, what do you tell the children? Tell them as much as you can about what you do know about your plans. Tell them as much as you can, without being hurtful or attributing blame, about why you have made this decision. Tell them as much as you can about the changes they can expect. And definitely tell them that they did not cause the separation or divorce.

Even though the words and depth of the discussion will differ slightly, you can use these guidelines regardless of the ages of the children. If you're stuck for what to say or how to say it, mediation can help you develop a plan.

Mary A. Wollard, JD, is an attorney, mediator, and arbitrator with over 20 years experience in solving the legal issues of divorce, parenting (custody), marital property and support. Visit http://www.cofamilysolutions.com/downloads.htm for free downloadable worksheets you can use to organize your family's transition. Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Mary_Wollard

How Quick is a Divorce?

By Victor Anicama 

One of the universal misconceptions about divorce is the idea that it will be over quickly. Then all the parties can get on with their lives as though nothing happened.

In fact, your divorce can cost more money and take a longer time to settle than you ever imagined. For many couples, the whole process usually takes one to two years-even simple divorces that both parties thought would take only six months. The cost can range from several hundred dollars to several thousand.

To understand the costly nature of divorce, you must recognize the high price of splitting one economic unit in half. On the surface, an equitable property division would seem to mean each person walks away with half of what was shared by two, and is therefore left with enough to support one. But in the mathematics of divorce, the equation does not work out that way. Spouses have unequal salaries and earning potential. And many people today live beyond their means.

When it comes time to divide one household into two, there is rarely enough money to go around. That holds true as much for young married couples with little property as it does for wealthy couples with assets accumulated over many years. When a catastrophic event such as divorce hits, the fragile economic base for these couples is torn apart much as an earthquake loosens a house from its foundation, leaving everything in disarray.

Recognizing that everything takes longer and costs more can help you through those moments when you are suddenly faced with an unexpected debt or an unwanted delay in your divorce.

Maybe you have gotten used to the idea that your divorce will cost you dearly. What do you do with that knowledge? Be willing to accept a change in your lifestyle. Face it, you may have to borrow money, move, get a second job, or buy a used car instead of a new one. Be prepared for an economic pinch, at least for a while.

You will have to resist the very understandable temptation to splurge when your marriage is ending. The fact that you have to prepare for lean times also means that you must pay special attention to each financial decision you will make in divorce. In the end, the expense of the divorce itself means you must begin conserving your financial resources now.

Learn more about a Quick Divorce Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Victor_Anicama

Stop Your Divorce Save Your Marriage

By Andrew Zhihao Lim

Save Your Marriage From The Privacy Of Your Own Home...

Many men and women from all over the globe give up on their marriages every year because they don't know where to start, every little dispute can easily escalate into divorce for them. They pass all responsibility to salvage their marriage to their partner or a counselor and end up disappointed with the result. It doesn't have to end that way, what if i told you that all along you had the power to change your failing marriage, would you do it? You decide on how much you want your marriage to work out.

Marital advice alone cannot salvage your marriage if you and your spouse are not willing to communicated properly together. Communication is crucial in a relationship as it inform each other of their want , their needs and how they are feeling. Remember, communication is more then just talking to each other. Its a skill and technique that has to be learned and practised in order to apply it effectively. You cannot expect your partner to understand how you are feeling you if you are not effective in getting your message across.

With the pressures of every day life you can find yourself and your partner actually spending less time alone together. As this trend continue both of you will slowing drift apart and lose touch with each other. Hence its extremely important to put aside quality time for each other. You can use this time to concentrate alone on each other needs, not just discuss your jobs. Use this time to relax and enjoy each other company, relieve exciting moments when your were dating as this will help bring back fond memories when both of you were happily together.

Lastly self-help, as I mentioned in the beginning you have the power to change every aspect of your life and change how you want things to work out, its essential you hold on strongly to that belief as its extremely important. This is the determining factor on how your relationship will work out. There are online programs available that will help you in finding ways to go about tackling your marraige problem, but you must be willing to give yourself that chance. These programs will go into great detailed on what makes a successful marriage and how you too can stop your divorce and save your marriage if you are willing to work at it. However you must be determine to work it out and be prepared for any obstacles that you might face along the way.

Visit my report now to take a look at the program and save your marriage today.

What Is It To You to have your life dramatically improved.Can you even put a value to that? The Fact Is No Money Can Buy You That!

What Is It To You a consistent and blissful marriage for the rest of your life? Again, No Money Can Buy You That!

Imagine Creating A Dream Marriage You Always Wanted, where you both understand and love each other, communicate openly and genuinely with each other and commit to learning and growing in love together every day of your lives. How does that sound?

Personally, I value the above criteria then having a lot money which cannot save your marriage and happiness.

People make decision in life for 2 reason...
To avoid Pain...
Or To Gain Pleasure...
Period...

Andrew is an independent researcher on saving a failing marriage, you can view his FREE report @ http://www.squidoo.com/savemarriagealone included are tips on creating a working relationship with your spouse and the "save my marriage home premium course" Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Andrew_Zhihao_Lim

Do Your Emotions Slam-Dance or Can You Be Objective?

By Len Stauffenger

When you're newly divorced, we work hard to find ways to step back from whatever is happening so we can soothe our emotions into objectivity so they don't run helter-skelter. You might lose yourself in the degree of guiltiness or hurtfulness if you don't. The snapshot of that "perfect marriage" you once held has been torched out of you and you're feeling guilty about it. And the responsibility of the kids is overwhelmning. Well, your kids have to have your complete attention.

You will benefit both you as well as your children if you can get in touch with your feelings as they are now; if you can decide if they are subjective (my suspicion!) and how to move them over to the objective side.

Your ex is armed with the information about how to get your goat and they will use it to hurt you. There's only one way to change this scenario: move the goat! Here's how.

The "goat" is all of your less-than-wonderful feelings. Your ex knows how to trigger them off in you. You lived with her/him and there is no way to avoid her knowing your secrets. Too late. The "goat" is out of the bag! The only way for you to keep from reacting in the way your ex expects you to act is for you to change.

If anyone can bring you a hurt of any kind, he brings you a gift, an incomparable gift, a perfectly adjusted opportunity. He isolates one of your weaknesses so that you can correct it. He, or a similar agent, will come again and again until his offering ceases to hurt you. "Opportunity", by Will Levington Comfort (1878 - 1932)

When you get triggered in some way by your ex, this is life offering you an opportunity to change. It is a gift, nudging you to make a correction. A good tool to see what is triggering you is this:

1. Can you describe the feelings that arose. How does your throat feel? Your abdomen? Your head? Sit with all the feelings you are feeling and then ask yourself this question.

2. " What is an earlier memory I have of experiencing these same feelings?" Your mind will try and play tricks on you, but my experiences is that the first idea that comes to your mind is the one you want.

3. Look at what is happening in the memory that came up. Where are you? Who else is there? What is happening? How do you feel? Do you recognize the same feelings that got triggered when your ex mouthed off? Great!

4. Repeat again "Can I think of some memory that goes back even further when I felt this exact sense?" Usually, the first idea that comes to your mind is the one you want. 5. Let your thoughts drift to an earlier time in your life. If you can't do this all in one sitting, do it over the course of a few sessions. Ultimately, you can take yourself back to the initial experience you have that is just like those with your former spouse, and this time, you'll see the real beginning of your feelings and not just the triggering agent. You will continue to re-manifest this kind of experience repeatedly in order to learn it's message.

Once you identify the source, you will recognize that you are more than likely a very young individual yourself at that first feeling experience, and that you made a decision based on the fact that you were dependent on the adults involved in your source situation. You more than likely made a decision that saved your life at that time. Good for you. Now, ask yourself if you, the adult, would like to make a new decision based on all you've unfolded since you were that wee, dependent child?

This new decision is how you will think and act the next time your ex triggers you off with his/her words. You have a tool that allows you to react in a new way. You have moved the goat and she/he can't find it anymore. Your feelings will have become objective and you'll be able to set a wonderful example of reasonableness for your children.

Len Stauffenger's parents taught him life's simple wisdom. As a divorced dad, he wanted to share that simple wisdom with his girls. "Getting Over It: Wisdom for Divorced Parents," his book, is the solution. Len is an author, a Success Coach and an Attorney. http://www.wisdomfordivorcedparents.com Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Len_Stauffenger

Your Home, Your Credit, and Your Divorce

By Rob K. Blake

and Terri Ewing

Divorce is one of the most horrible things a person can endure. There are a plethora of books and support groups out there that deal in the emotional aspects of divorce but what about the financial aspects...especially if you own a home.

Your emotions are making big financial decisions. The person who got hurt wants revenge. And you all know how revenge works...eventually you are the one who ends up being hurt not the person you wanted to hurt in the first place.

The person who caused and/or asked for the divorce feels guilty and therefore may not ask for or get what is rightfully theirs. They also may agree verbally to things they shouldn't in exchange for a speedy non confrontational divorce.

But the problem with both of these is you are making decisions with the other person in mind instead of yourself. How do I take care of myself and my finances? What can I afford? Should we sell the house? How much debt am I responsible for? Do I have to wait until the divorce is final before I buy again? What if we can't sell the house?

These are just some of the questions that should be asked. And you can find the answers to all your questions but only if you are in the right frame of mind.

So how do you financially divorce? Well you have to become the CEO of your divorce. You have heard people say about business, "it's not personal...it's just business". This is exactly how your financial divorce should be especially if you own a house or plan to own one.

A CEO would never dream of agreeing to something verbally. They know a verbal agreement does not count and it cannot be enforced. The same goes for your financial divorce. Never ever verbally agree to anything during your divorce. Get everything properly documented.

You may think of a CEO as a bit ruthless and taking more satisfaction out of crushing their competition then anything else. But I do not really think that is what most business owners are.

Yes, that makes headline news and a good plot for a movie but most business owners just want to do what is right for them. They make decisions according to what their business needs are and that is what you should do too.

No emotions allowed...period. But just for the times when you are making financial decisions. When you are not making financial decisions, you can grieve (or celebrate) how you see fit.

And that is the beauty of this. You can curl up on the couch for weeks, stay drunk for weeks, cry to friends or family for weeks, etc and it will not hurt you financially. You made the tough decisions already and now you are free to deal with your emotions however you see fit.

A divorce is supposed to be painful but you get over it and move on. If you make poor financial decisions in the midst of it, you feel the pain of your divorce over and over again. Your poor decisions come back to haunt you and usually at the most inopportune times.

Like, for example, when you meet someone else. What if you wanted to buy a house with someone new but your credit was ruined. How did it get ruined? You moved out of your house with the verbal understanding the other would pay the mortgage.

They did not and now your credit is ruined. And you can't just explain that away when you want to buy another house. You are responsible if your name is on the mortgage note. You agreed to pay whether you live there or not.

Or, you have a contract to buy a new house but your loan gets denied because you are using child support or alimony to qualify and it has to continue for a certain period of time after you close. If it doesn't, you do not qualify.

I have seen both of these (and many more) personally and the sad thing is they could have been avoided. The last thing you want is your divorce to linger long after you have gotten on with your life.

And even if you don't own a house right now, protect yourself and make the right decisions so you can in the future.

Good Luck!

Rob Blake and Terri Ewing, mortgage experts and authors of Home Custody™, has some new mortgage advice for those in divorce focusing on the divorce support you need to save your home. For both genders, tips on how to divorce to keep your home or preserve your ability to buy after divorce! Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Rob_K._Blake

Divorce Arbitration - Why Pay to Arbitrate Family and Divorce Issues When Court is Free?

By Mary Wollard

What is Arbitration?

Arbitration is a process in which the parties agree to use a neutral person to make binding decisions to resolve disputes. In the area of family law, the parties can choose an arbitrator to make binding decisions regarding property and financial issues as well as child-related issues.

Many divorcing and separating couples want to keep their dispute out of court to the fullest extent possible. Because arbitration is more private and confidential than court, parties often feel more comfortable using the arbitration process to settle their marital disputes rather than airing them in open court.

How is Arbitration Different from Mediation?

In mediation, the parties are in total control of the outcome and fashion their own agreement. In arbitration, it is the arbitrator and not the parties who ultimately decides the outcome. While arbitration is a more formal process than mediation, both arbitration and mediation are less formal than court.

How Does Arbitration Work?

To get started, you and the other party must agree to use arbitration, and sign an Agreement to Arbitrate with the arbitrator you choose. You might already have such an agreement in a pre- or post-nuptial agreement or other settlement agreement.

Typically, there is then a hearing at which each party makes arguments for their position and presents their evidence, witnesses, experts if any, and documents to the arbitrator. After the hearing is closed and all the evidence is in, the arbitrator will issue a written decision that will make findings of fact and decisions based on those facts.

Can the Court Order the Parties to Arbitration?

The court cannot order the parties to go to arbitration without their agreement. Once the parties have a written agreement to arbitrate some or all family disputes, however, that agreement is binding and, except in unusual circumstances, the court will enforce it, requiring the parties to arbitrate prior to bringing their dispute to court.

Is the Arbitrator's Decision Final?

After the decision (called an award) has been issued by the arbitrator, either party may request an order from the court confirming the award. If a party feels the award needs clarification or was improper, s/he may ask the arbitrator or court to modify, correct, or vacate the award. In some states, either party may request the court to hold a hearing concerning an award on child-related matters.

Are Attorneys Required in Arbitration?

You do not need to retain an attorney to represent you and participate in arbitration, but attorneys are always welcome. Even if you choose not to have an attorney represent you at the arbitration hearing, it is advisable to consult with an attorney prior to the hearing for advice about your legal rights and obligations, and what documents and evidence might be necessary to adequately present your case at the hearing. Since the arbitrator cannot or will not give you legal advice, consulting with an attorney gives you an opportunity to ask questions and get information.

Why Should we Pay to Arbitrate our Divorce or Child-Related Issues When Court is Free?

Studies have found that arbitration is very often faster, simpler and less expensive than litigation. It is true that you will have to pay the arbitrator's fees and costs, but the service you get is more focused and personalized than court. In court, your hearing can be interrupted by unscheduled emergency motions or other matters. This doesn't occur during arbitration, so you would likely pay your attorney less during an arbitration hearing than during a scheduled court hearing.

© 2008, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, LLC.

Mary A. Wollard, JD, is an attorney, mediator, and arbitrator with over 20 years experience in solving the legal issues of divorce, parenting (custody), marital property and support. Visit http://www.cofamilysolutions.com/downloads.htm for free downloadable worksheets you can use to organize your family's transition. Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Mary_Wollard

No Fault Divorce - End a Marriage Without a Costly Lawyer

By Christopher Freeman

Every state in the United States has some kind of "no fault" divorce (also know as "uncontested divorce" or "dissolution") that allows married couples to obtain a divorce or dissolution without the need for a protracted, prolonged and "hostile" court battle. In most states, the grounds for a "no fault" divorce are "irreconcilable differences" between the two parties (again, some States have different terms for these grounds, but the theory is the same). This means that the parties to the marriage are simply not compatible, there are issues or differences that exist between the spouses that cannot be changed and there is no hope or likelihood that things will change so that the marriage be saved.

The terms "no-fault divorce" and "dissolution" have generally the same meaning - the parties to a marriage ask the court to end the marriage and, if the court finds the request appropriate, the court will issue an order terminating the legal rights of each party with respect to the marriage.

In order to have the best chance of succeeding with the process through the court system, both the husband and wife should agree on ALL of the issues surrounding property division and spousal support (this is why it is referred to as "no fault" - the parties are not claiming one spouse or the other did something wrong nor are the spouses arguing about how property or other rights and responsibilities should be divided; these matters are agreed upon, thereby not finding any fault with one of the spouses). If total agreement is not reached by the parties on all issues, a "no fault" divorce is generally not appropriate and legal advice should be sought.

Below are some requirements that must be met or complied with before a "no fault" divorce can be effectively filed and granted:

* Residency requirements for the state in which the divorce will be filed must be met. Depending upon the state in which the parties reside, the spouses (or one of them) must live in the state where the divorce is filed for a period of six weeks to twelve months. Check your state requirements to determine the appropriate residency requirement.

* Both of the spouses must agree on all aspects and terms of terminating the marriage.

* In most states, the wife must not be pregnant with a child from the husband (although this is not an absolute bar to a no fault divorce in all states).

* Each spouse should fully disclose ALL of their financial interests to the other spouse and each should complete and sign a separation agreement that details how property issues, spousal support and the division of debts will be handled. This separation agreement will then become part of the court's order granting the divorce.

* Both spouses will need to complete the appropriate documents that must be filed with the court to begin the divorce. Each spouse must sign the documents required by the court and, depending on the state and county/parish in which the parties reside, have the documents notarized. In some states, both spouses may be required to appear in court to obtain the final divorce; in other states, one spouse is to appear and in others, there is no requirement that either spouse appear if the paperwork is in order.

* Filing fees and court costs must be paid at the time the divorce papers are filed with the court. These filing fees vary from state-to-state and the clerk of the court where the divorce will be filed can inform you of the amount of such fees.

If your situation meets these guidelines, in most cases you have the ability to file for no-fault divorce.

To learn more about No Fault Divorce Without Children, visit Standard Legal Standard Legal offers affordable solutions to common legal issues, including do-it-yourself legal forms software, legal document preparation services, and attorney find services. http://www.StandardLegal.com 1-888-888-7712 toll free DISCLAIMER REGARDING LEGAL ADVICE: None of information contained on this web site is intended to constitute legal or other professional advice, and you should not rely solely on the information contained on the site for making legal decisions. When necessary, you should consult with an attorney for specific advice tailored to your situation. (c) The Standard Legal Network, LLC. All rights reserved. Article may be distributed in its entirety, including all links and credits. Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Christopher_Freeman

Divorce Today - Why And Can You Stop It?

By Ben Roscoe

When we hear the word divorce it always brings a negative connotation to our minds. We think of unhappy individuals that can no longer co-exist in the same household. Based off 2002 statistics 59% of our population is married and 10 % of our population is divorced. We see marriage lasting shorter and shorter. The percentage of couples reaching their 25th, 35th, and 50th anniversaries are 33,20, and 5 % respectively. There are 2.04 million single male parents and 9.68 million female.

Why are people getting divorced?

This question is difficult to answer as every couple may have their own specific reasons for divorce. Some of the more common reasons include:

1. Conflicting Personal Beliefs
2. Decrease of Marital Satisfaction and Sexual Issues
3. Communication Issues
4. Adultery
5. Cruel Treatment
6. Bigamy
7. Imprisonment
8. Money
9. Change in Priorities

Obviously, this is just a small number of the numerous reasons for divorce. I am sure anybody reading this has their own.

How can a couple avoid divorce?

The answer to this question will differ depending on which source you reference. The number one response in counseling. This option is only realistic if both individuals are willing to actively participate. Besides this there are other options to consider for self helping your marriage. One theory is to analyze your reasons. It is recommended to write down a list of your reasons for divorce and to analyze that list 1-3 days later. The goal of this is to make sure your reason for divorce is viable. If you are the one considering divorce make sure you are not the problem. Take time to self analyze your own feelings. Ultmately, there are no steadfast answers for how to save your marriage. Both couples need to work together with positive open minds to resolve their differences. I know that can be easier said then done. Stay positive and don't give up!

If anyone reading this is having marriage problems I wish you all the best of luck in reviving your relationship.

This article was written with the hope of giving all those with marriage difficulties a resource for information and help. Hope some of this can help at least one couple. It so it was worth the time. http://www.selfhelpurmarriage.com B. Roscoe Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Ben_Roscoe