Getting a Separation or Divorce? Talk To Your Children

By Mary Wollard

So you and your spouse are separating or thinking about divorce. Have you told your children yet?

Parents do not separate or divorce on the spur of the moment. Weeks, months, or even years can go by while people move away from the relationship and toward separation and divorce. Many parents want to hide this whole process from their children until decisions have been made and plans firmed up. This is a mistake.

The fact is that children know when things are not right at home. While adults filter information, rationalize their actions and deny their feelings, children deal with the world around them much more directly. Separation and divorce is difficult for children of all ages, but will be much harder if the adults they rely on do not talk honestly with them.

Before one parent starts packing or moves out, tell the children what is going on, even if you don't have all the details worked out yet. Although you and your husband/wife might be hurt and angry with one another, give your children the courtesy of talking with them together. The children need to know that neither of you is "divorcing" them.

But if you don't know exactly what is going to happen, what do you tell the children? Tell them as much as you can about what you do know about your plans. Tell them as much as you can, without being hurtful or attributing blame, about why you have made this decision. Tell them as much as you can about the changes they can expect. And definitely tell them that they did not cause the separation or divorce.

Even though the words and depth of the discussion will differ slightly, you can use these guidelines regardless of the ages of the children. If you're stuck for what to say or how to say it, mediation can help you develop a plan.

Mary A. Wollard, JD, is an attorney, mediator, and arbitrator with over 20 years experience in solving the legal issues of divorce, parenting (custody), marital property and support. Visit http://www.cofamilysolutions.com/downloads.htm for free downloadable worksheets you can use to organize your family's transition. Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Mary_Wollard