Ideally, divorce is something you see coming a long way off. That allows you to prepare yourself and the children emotionally, while you systematically make your way through that almost endless "to do" list.
Ideally.
In reality, divorces are often "sprung" on one of the spouses, and very often the one doing the "springing" has moved way ahead of the other regarding child custody, primary residence, lawyers, bank accounts, and "who gets what." And, of course, sometimes there's another person waiting in the wings.
It's very poignant to be asked for help by someone who's basically still in shock. They have to operate on two tracks. They now have to "catch up" and respond, agree, or challenge the rapidly developing situation on the ground, while simultaneously coping with the implosion of their inner life.
That's why one of my first tasks is to establish if there's something pressing down right away - in the next few days, or so - that needs to be talked about and thought through. It might be work-related - a project deadline, an interview, a key decision. It might be about one of the kids - a school consultation, a behavior problem needing attention. Or, it may even be to find a new place to live.
The first few days are like walking underwater - you may well wish you could lie in bed with the covers over your head, but the world (and especially the kids) still expect you to function and perform.
The point is that, yes, the "story" of your marriage does need to be talked about, finally, if you're going to make sense of it, learn, and even make it into something better. That means therapy, counseling, or coaching at some point.
In the mean time, though, you need to function adequately at work, manage your obligations, break the news to your family and friends, and all the while, your kids are watching you like a hawk. They need you to not buckle.
The first few days, if handled well, can go a long way toward minimizing the overall damage. If both sides "jump ugly" - hire shark lawyers, try to get the kids to take their side, make moves on community property, or scream at each other - the bad taste can last, not just years, but forever.
So I've learned that helping people put one foot in front of the other, early - while they handle the tasks immediately on their plate - is much better than getting too deep, too soon on the "meaning" of the divorce. Healing will come in its time.
For more information, support, and ideas about divorce, visit The Divorce Conversation athttp://divorceconversation.wordpress.com Shaun Kieran has been helping people learn from the events in their lives for many years. He is a Professional Coach and Consultant. His blog is The Divorce Conversation. He also addresses work issues on The Human Workplace at http://springpointservices.com/blog Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Shaun_Kieran |  |
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