Although the reasons parents separate are many and complex there are always going to be very compelling reasons for maintaining the family unit.
Barring the obvious which is that divorce is distressing for the children. There are a few other reasons I'd like to outline in the following article.
Reason 1.
Control.
You see your children everyday.
They're there when you wake up. When you kiss them goodnight. At breakfast, lunch and dinnertime.
You see them every birthday and all other religious and secular events.
They're with you for every visit you make to your parents, brothers, sisters and friends.
You decide what they will eat, how they will behave, what clothes they will wear, what shows they will watch on TV. You decide how they will have their hair cut.
When you divorce you lose all of that control.
Control you may not have understood and appreciated before.
Now you are sharing control with your ex-partner, and perhaps his new girlfriend, who's idea of good parenting is perhaps the complete opposite of what you think.
You might be able to imagine how you would feel if you were faced with this reality.
But the loss of the control a mother feels entitled to is a terrible and painful blow to most women.
Reason 2.
Financial.
To speak of money at a time like separation or divorce might sound crass, but when your emotions are already in turmoil financial problems can be more distressing than ever.
You might be fortunate and qualify for legal aid, even better you might be fortunate and find that your ex-partner doesn't fight your attempts to gain custody.
But the odds are against that.
The truth is you might be in for months or even years (in extreme cases) of custody battles, which will bear an emotional and financial cost far beyond your worst nightmares.
Currently, many new mums are unaware how hard they generally need to fight for more than 50% care of their children.
In order to avoid the financial and legal wrangling over the children in the case of divorce, you both must be able to agree on a 'parenting plan' that suits not only the two of you, but the children as well.
Can you guarantee yourself that? Not likely.
Reason 3.
Bitterness/ Resentment.
After all is said and done, your separation and divorce [if applicable] will have been a torturous ordeal suffered by all involved.
You will most likely be nursing battle scars along with your children. Your Ex will have his own scars.
No one will be left unscathed in the aftermath.
There's a good chance that your children will come after either yourself or both of you - with many unhealed hurts and accusations about the past and the decisions you've made.
There's also a good chance that all future family events will be forever marred for [b]all of you[/b] by the memory of the fights that have preceded them.
Weddings, the births of grandchildren and even the birthday parties of grandchildren. Christmas family gatherings.
The war that often follows separation can forever colour and cloud all these events - sometimes the tension is so bad that one of you is excluded.
That is a high price to pay.
In conclusion, I'd like to say that I am not necessarily against divorce. But if you are considering it please think over the points raised here.
If you must 'fight' for your rights, fight with as much dignity as you can muster.
Do not create or worsen rifts with your Ex or his new partner.
Keep the future in your mind at all times.
Work towards the goal of your future happiness even in the face of all the difficulties that divorce and separation can bring to a family.
After all is said and done, parents need to make an informed choice about what a divorce with children is going to entail.
If you can't or won't stay together for 'the sake of the kids' then do it for yourself.
If you would like to explore or discuss these issues further please visit my stepfamily forum.
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