Do men really get screwed over in a divorce? I know this contradicts the cultural view that women who face divorce are really the victims, but by average standards, if you look at studies and actual results, men are also victims.
Here is something to begin with. Seven out of 10 divorces are initiated by women all across the US. According to Divorce-Lawyer-Source.com., 70% of divorces involving children result in the mother getting custody.
Here is another fact. According to WebMD, divorced men are two and a half times as likely to commit suicide as compared to married men. Divorce seems to have a higher emotional toll on men than women. By and large, men become lame-ducks in custody battles, they have to deal with a tarnished reputation and a depressing aftermath.
Marriage may suck, I know. But divorce for a guy is like a train moving at 70 miles per hour and hitting him on a railroad track.
Here are the things guys normally experience when a divorce takes place:
1. A sense of remorse. Was it that bad? The Yorkshire Building Society shows that 56% of men experience remorse and regret for a failed marriage versus 45% of women.
2. A sense of shame. “The whole world knows about me now.” That is huge for a guy.
3. A sense of betrayal.
4. An overwhelming sense of emotional confusion.
5. Huge economic distress.
I have taken a different approach to the whole subject of male divorce and how it impacts men after interviewing many guys that have faced the pain of divorce, listening to them in coaching sessions and checking numerous studies and research on divorce.
Here is what I see as the alternative reality in divorce cases:
1. Remorse is good. It means you are in a mode to recognize what your role was in the whole mess. It takes two people to create a mess. No one is totally innocent. No one is totally guilty. Enlightenment and changes are usually born in the midst of remorse. Don’t walk away from it.
2. Shame is normal in this circumstance. Who wants his dirty laundry exposed to the world, to the kids, to the family by a “mad” wife? Just don’t be hard on yourself. It is embarrassing! When you adopt the concept that the “accuser,” psychologically speaking, ALWAYS has more issues than the “accusee” you will be able to change your pain into growth. That’s the key!
3. Betrayal is only in the eyes of the beholder! It’s what you choose to believe that will trap you! A woman who betrays her husband has to betray her own PROMISE to him, first! Self-betrayal is the worst kind of self-punishment anyone can ever inflict on oneself! She can never “betray” you if you choose not to be her victim! Enough said! It hurts? Of course it does. Here is one more thing about betrayal. It doesn’t matter when or how… when a woman betrays a guy she has most likely betrayed herself in some other areas before and she will do it over and over again. Get over it. It’s her character which is on display, not yours!
4. An overwhelming sense of emotional confusion. Well… of course! What do you think? Divorce is worst than death. Death is terminal. Divorce is unfinished business for the rest of your life. Divorce means dealing with a huge emotional overload for a very, very long time. I believe that men are more fragile, emotionally speaking, than women. Men know how to conquer and fight as long as there is something to conquer and fight for. Women are survivalists. Women are wired differently. They are made for guerilla warfare. Got it? Be easy on yourself.
5. Huge economic distress. Women are never perceived initially as “gold diggers” but their instinct for survival is never to be underestimated. Heard the saying? “First time for love, second time for the money?” That’s a woman’s dream once she walks into the hallways of “divorce-land.” Loving women can turn into “bloodthirsty wolves” in a matter of days. When faced with the economic distress, I say, “Deal with it as you would with a bankruptcy situation. Be honest. Do your best and use this chance to show the best side of you.”
Here are the things you can do right now to move forward with your life before believing that DIVORCE SCREWED YOU UP! (You always have control over what you believe)
1. Life is made out of “belief-systems.”
What you believe about a situation is more important than the reality of what happened to you. If you believe you got screwed-up, you have. If you don’t, you didn’t! Is that simple or what? You have a choice. Always.
2. Allow yourself time to grieve.
Guys have a difficult time dealing with emotions. The women who leave them don’t want to see the guy crying or showing emotions. They don’t know what to do with it. They run away faster! Remember? Women are survivalists! Cry, feel the pain, be emotional. Nothing wrong with it. You have just experienced a huge loss!!!
3. Clean up your life pro-actively and quickly.
This is the best time to do it. Take a good look at the reasons why your wife left you. Be honest with yourself. Write those reasons down and deal with them. If you need to go back to your kids or people you have offended with the traits your wife is accusing you of, go back to those people and ask forgiveness. Don’t take advantage of that time to make yourself look innocent, good or a victim. Losers do that. Real man, ask forgiveness and move on. Get rid of any emotional baggage. Walk away from unhealthy relationships, especially if they involve other women. Confess and do whatever you have to do spiritually to experience renewal and a sense of meaning. Go back to church. Join a support group.
4. Stop blaming!
Guys who blame a woman for their misery are losers! Blaming is all about finding a culprit for your misery. Your wife is doing it. Don’t “copy-cat” an angry woman, ever! You have a choice, you know? Every single time. When you blame you are telling everyone you are not in control.
5. Choose your friends carefully
Stay away from family, relatives and friends that will feel sorry for you or negative about your wife. Worst thing you can do. It’s toxic. You need people that will enlighten you as to why your wife left you; people who will encourage you to grow up.
6. Move on with your life
Stay active. Play your life for all you are worth. Join a support group. Create the habit of acting “normal”. Feelings always follow actions. If you wait to feel happy you won’t.
7. Get creative with your new situation
Read and meet healthy people. Worst form of “creativity”? Start dating right away… So many guys do that! Also, worst form of vengeance or “healing.” A women who leaves a marriage while having the “support” of another relationship is “screwed” up in the head to begin with. You don’t need to worry about where she is headed. Again don’t “copy-cat” that behavior.
8. Love your kids and connect with them like nothing has ever happened.
This is tough! Just do it! You can love your kids and connect with them without loading them with your emotional pain. If you have to share your pain do it without “blaming” their mother. One of the most toxic forms of “connection” is called triangulation. That’s when you connect by using another person in the process. This is one of the best times to connect with your kids, dad! Don’t miss your chance. Be honest. Share with them how you failed. Tell them how you plan to move on with your life. Cry if you have to. BE HONEST! They will love you forever!
9. BELIEVE YOUR NEW REALITY
Faith is incredibly empowering. Faith is the ability to believe a reality. Faith is energizing. Faith is about believing new possibilities. Faith is believing in action. Stop dreaming or wishing things would be different. She is gone. Plan for three things: 1. How you are going to move on with your life. 2. Plan for her return. Plan to see her again. 3. Plan to never see her again. Weird, uh? Plan to see her the next day at the grocery store. Plan to see her with the other guy. Plan everything in your head. Plan to not know what’s going on in her head. Plan to deal with her possible games. Plan to be in control of every situation like a winner, not like a loser. Mental preparation is important. Think and act in control, you will be in control! Think and act like you are in control, it will show you are not in control!
10. Look for counseling if it will help you.
Look for a psychotherapist that will help you move on, not one who will get stuck in your own stuff or protect your agenda. You don’t need a psychotherapist to tell you why your wife left you. You already know that! She left you because she hated your guts! What else do you need? Does her state of mind match the reality? Whose reality? Does that mean you are a bad guy? NO!!!! That’s her reality. Leave it alone. Just take your part of the deal and walk with it because this is YOUR chance to grow up.
Do men really get screwed up in a divorce? Yes and no. Divorce is a symptom of a deeper problem in our culture. If it’s true that 7 out of 10 divorces are initiated by women across the country, it also means there is a lot of unspoken, displaced, “male pain” out there. No one will come to our rescue. It’s up to us to understand the bigger issues at stake and do something about it. First, I suggest we need to become better men, thus preventing the escalation of divorce. Good men don’t divorce and leave their families behind. I really believe this! Second, we need to teach our boys how to be good men; how to stand up and be leaders. Third, if divorce has already happened, take an inventory of your life and decide divorce is not the end of your life. Scars can be turned into stars. You can become an agent of change in your own world. It’s totally up to us to decide if divorce will screw us up or not. You always have a choice. No matter, what!
Harold J. Duarte-Bernhardt is co-founder of the "LIFE ZONE." Harold is a consultant, a seminar speaker and a LIFE Motivational Coach. The "LIFE ZONE" is a resource and a coaching center for personal and spiritual growth committed to providing sound strategies for dynamic living and LIFE FITNESS. Harold believes that PAIN is the greatest window into best life has to offer! PAIN is never pleasant, it's never fun; but great people have always faced PAIN and difficult times before they found the key to a great life. Harold resides in Southern California and is the father of four wonderful human beings! For more information and coaching visit: http://www.lifezonelive.com Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Harold_J._Duarte-Bernhardt |  |
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