So you have reached that point where enough is enough and the only option is divorce?
If this is you, firstly let me congratulate you on realising there is no point in continuing to live an unhappy life and 6 months from now I guarantee you will feel better than you do right now.
Wouldn’t it be great to sail through this divorce, get what you want from it, have no arguments and battles over money, children and property? Wouldn’t it be even better if the only purpose you hired the divorce lawyer was to file the papers for you?
Start as you mean to go on, tell yourself right in this moment that you are going to have a harmonious divorce and emerge a happier person ready to live the next chapter of your life.
Whenever things feel as though they are not going your way, return to this thought and hold on to it no matter what.
Some people do have harmonious divorces but for most its constant trips to see the lawyer, constant fights and arguments over who gets what, arguments over who did what and arguments over who was to blame. This not only prolongs your divorce but increases the amount of money you are paying out in lawyer’s fees and causes your life to become centered around nothing else but the divorce.
Whether you have reached the conclusion that divorce is the only option or whether your partner has reached it for you, accept it. Accept that divorce is the only option.
You have to let go of what has been. There is absolutely nothing AT ALL you can do to change what has been. You can’t go back and change it and do it differently and reliving it over and over will do no more than keep you in the mindset of reliving it over and over. Let go of everything. Whatever happened to bring you to the point of divorce has happened. No matter what emotions you feel towards your partner, yourself or a third party (if this is indeed the case) let it go. The only way you can proceed with a harmonious divorce is by letting go. Tell yourself now and mean it ‘I accept everything and am letting it go’. Tell yourself this every second of the day if you have to, but reach the point of accepting and letting go.
Remember when you first got married how amazingly wonderful your partner was to you? They must have been for you to have married them. Keep in your mind the person they once were to you, no matter how hard this might seem, try to imagine them as they were. Tell yourself you are going to respect them no matter what. You owe this to yourself. By doing this you are acknowledging to yourself you have let go. No matter what you partner has or has not done, show them respect (even if this is not reciprocated).
Consider what is fair. Unless there are circumstances which mean you or your children (if you have them) are unsafe, don’t try to take your children away from your partner. It is not the fault of the children you are divorcing. By doing this you are hurting them, not your partner. Try to look at the situation as if you are looking through the eyes of someone else. What is a fair split of money? What is a fair split of property? What is the best thing for the children?
You don’t need a divorce lawyer to tell you whats fair. You are an adult and know if you ask yourself and be honest what is fair and what is not.
The single biggest reason most people are not able to do this is because of the emotions they feel at the point of filing for divorce. Remember if you can accept everything no matter what has been and let it go you will be able to sit down and look at this objectively and consider what is fair.
When you have made this decision speak to your partner and tell them you have accepted divorce is the only option, you want things to run as smoothly as possible and have thought about what you consider to be fair. Where children are concerned fair means doing the best thing for the children. It is not fair on the children to keep them away from their mother or father for prolonged periods of time when they are used to seeing them all the time. It is not fair in wanting all the property and most of the money just because your partner was, you feel, to blame.
If you are not at the point of being able to speak to your partner, write a letter. If the situation has become acrimonious, make it your intention to keep everything calm and positive. Arguments and battles can only occur when there are two people involved. It is a very difficult thing to do when you are in the middle of it but it is wholly possible if you have the right mindset, to switch off from whatever your partner may or may not be saying or doing.
Remember you have accepted its got to be divorce and you have let go. You have decided what you consider to be fair and you have put this forward. Leave it there. There can be no argument or battle if you do not engage in it. Whatever happens you must not get involved in arguments. Keep clear in your mind you intend to have a harmonious divorce and tell your partner this whenever you have the opportunity to do so. Tell your partner you are putting forward what you consider to be fair and would welcome his or her proposal of what they consider fair. It is impossible for someone to continue arguments if there is no response.
Although love, kindness and compassion will not be emotions or feelings that spring to mind when filing for divorce, they are the only thing that will get you through it. You loved this person once and no matter how hard you feel it is you have to show them compassion and kindness to get through this and emerge a happier person.
Divorce so often fills people with hatred, remorse, anger, guilt and a whole other list of negatives. This impacts on every area of your life and is absolutely, totally unnecessary, no matter how bad the circumstances might be.
Pay the lawyer for filing the papers not for sorting out what you can do for yourself. Forgive yourself and your partner for whatever has been and move on.
It is only as acrimonious, difficult and stressful as you allow it to be. Not a single person can make your life anything you don’t want it to be…. If you sit and think about it just for a moment you will see that if you let go of everything and held no negative emotion towards your partner or the marriage, you would have nothing left to do but focus on what was a fair share for you to continue with your life. Be honest with yourself.
This process is not just about getting through the divorce. This process will make you look at yourself in a whole new light, it will make you see perhaps what you do want from a relationship and after emerging from the divorce it will make you stronger as a person, you will know who you are a little more. Ultimately you are going to feel great about yourself for having achieved the impossible… a harmonious divorce!
Shelley Costello is a Life Coach and Complementary Therapist. Shelley provides life coaching in areas such as weight loss and living a healthier lifestyle, relationships, confidence and self esteem, career, parenting, divorce and many other areas of life. Shelley has 15 years experience in business management, is a qualified Indian Head massuese and is certified in Buddhism. For more information please contact Shelley by email at shelleylcostello@btinternet.com Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Shelley_Costello |
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